Friday, April 14, 2006
Quitting the Filthy Clown
Having travelled quite a bit and having eaten quite a lot of stuff not everyone would consider worth eating it may seem odd that there are a lot of places I just can't eat.
I have an excuse, it started on the east coast of Australia, I watched Supersize Me and walked out just craving grease, then heard about the 10 cheese burger challenge...... 10 of the things in one sitting, I felt compelled to try!
The only problem was that I was a traveller at the time and 10 burgers weren't cheap so I had to have a solution so...... in I stepped to one of Sydney's many fine MacDonald’s outlets some time in the early hours one Friday night/ Saturday morning and opened negotiations with Billy no stars behind the counter.
The conversation when...
Fat bartard - What discount can you give me on 20 cheese burgers please (there were two of us, I'm not that greedy!)
Billy no stars - That would be $39.00 (the full price)
FB - come on, surely you can do me a deal (present winning smile)
Billy - No
FB - Is there a manager or someone in authority here (yes, I was making myself popular)
Billy - No
FB - In that case who's going to stop you giving us a discount! (Surely an argument winner anywhere in the world)
Billy - $39.00
FB - D'oh! (present best homer look of dejection and defeat and exit with just 5 burgers each putting it down to training)
Now this could of been the end but for a stroke of fortune, you see, this fat bastard has an unstoppable drive to give to charity so although $19.50 for 10 burgers is rather beyond his backpacker budget when he reads on a banner outside Bondi's beautiful Macky D's that they will give a whole dollar to charity for every big mac munched it sounds like time to donate a fiver!
Now I know that 5 Big Macs isn't quite the same as 10 cheese burgers but .... The rules as far as I'd heard for the 10 cheese burger challenge was that you have just one hour to eat the burgers, with nothing but a regular fries and soft drink to clean the pallet and help get them down. There was obviously an out right ban on any tactical chundering at any point before during or after the allotted time.
Now I set myself the time of just 30 minutes (less bread you see) and didn't take up the offer of chips (sorry Fries) opting for just a beaker of sprit for company. With a friend on a stop watch I sat down for the scoff off of my young (and soon to be heart problem ridden) life.
Now I may sound big headed when I tell you the first one was virtually inhaled in a little over 90 seconds and I thought bring it on.. I certainly wasn't going to feel this good again in a while so give me my moment please.
The second of my friend Ronald's crowning burgers didn't go down quite so simply but I stand by the two minutes and 10 as being a good time for any mortal and the third before eight minutes showed on the clock made this look like Norris McWhirter should of been invited but then the mustard effect started to hit home.
I'll bet that few of you knew that there was mustard in a Big Mac or at least none that you'd taste beyond the general pappy tastelessness of the entire experience but take it from me, it burns like bile on number four but the challenge had been set and I'd now set my heart (possible bad choice of organs to be gambling with here) on 15 minutes and as the clock struck 12 minutes I washed down the last of number four.
Point to idiots that do try this at home, fizzy drinks make you burp, four big macs make you bloated, stopping peristalsis in reverse is no fun BUT STOP IT I DID and the fight went on.
Now officially I had 18 minutes for the last burger but as I said, that had long since been forgotten, victory now meant nothing less than a feeding frenzy on the last festering mess that now sat, cold, in front of me.
Ever the idiot I dived in, tearing bite after bite into it's spongy mass and as the final crumbs passed my lips and the now thankfully flat sprit cleared my gullet the stop watch was paused on a sensational (if I do say it my self) on 14 minutes, 9.4 seconds!!!
The rest as they say is history, the lap of the shop, the picture with my five empty cartons and the filthy clown himself, the cramps, the lard sweats and yes without being allowed to throw up they had to come out the other way....
I have an excuse, it started on the east coast of Australia, I watched Supersize Me and walked out just craving grease, then heard about the 10 cheese burger challenge...... 10 of the things in one sitting, I felt compelled to try!
The only problem was that I was a traveller at the time and 10 burgers weren't cheap so I had to have a solution so...... in I stepped to one of Sydney's many fine MacDonald’s outlets some time in the early hours one Friday night/ Saturday morning and opened negotiations with Billy no stars behind the counter.
The conversation when...
Fat bartard - What discount can you give me on 20 cheese burgers please (there were two of us, I'm not that greedy!)
Billy no stars - That would be $39.00 (the full price)
FB - come on, surely you can do me a deal (present winning smile)
Billy - No
FB - Is there a manager or someone in authority here (yes, I was making myself popular)
Billy - No
FB - In that case who's going to stop you giving us a discount! (Surely an argument winner anywhere in the world)
Billy - $39.00
FB - D'oh! (present best homer look of dejection and defeat and exit with just 5 burgers each putting it down to training)
Now this could of been the end but for a stroke of fortune, you see, this fat bastard has an unstoppable drive to give to charity so although $19.50 for 10 burgers is rather beyond his backpacker budget when he reads on a banner outside Bondi's beautiful Macky D's that they will give a whole dollar to charity for every big mac munched it sounds like time to donate a fiver!
Now I know that 5 Big Macs isn't quite the same as 10 cheese burgers but .... The rules as far as I'd heard for the 10 cheese burger challenge was that you have just one hour to eat the burgers, with nothing but a regular fries and soft drink to clean the pallet and help get them down. There was obviously an out right ban on any tactical chundering at any point before during or after the allotted time.
Now I set myself the time of just 30 minutes (less bread you see) and didn't take up the offer of chips (sorry Fries) opting for just a beaker of sprit for company. With a friend on a stop watch I sat down for the scoff off of my young (and soon to be heart problem ridden) life.
Now I may sound big headed when I tell you the first one was virtually inhaled in a little over 90 seconds and I thought bring it on.. I certainly wasn't going to feel this good again in a while so give me my moment please.
The second of my friend Ronald's crowning burgers didn't go down quite so simply but I stand by the two minutes and 10 as being a good time for any mortal and the third before eight minutes showed on the clock made this look like Norris McWhirter should of been invited but then the mustard effect started to hit home.
I'll bet that few of you knew that there was mustard in a Big Mac or at least none that you'd taste beyond the general pappy tastelessness of the entire experience but take it from me, it burns like bile on number four but the challenge had been set and I'd now set my heart (possible bad choice of organs to be gambling with here) on 15 minutes and as the clock struck 12 minutes I washed down the last of number four.
Point to idiots that do try this at home, fizzy drinks make you burp, four big macs make you bloated, stopping peristalsis in reverse is no fun BUT STOP IT I DID and the fight went on.
Now officially I had 18 minutes for the last burger but as I said, that had long since been forgotten, victory now meant nothing less than a feeding frenzy on the last festering mess that now sat, cold, in front of me.
Ever the idiot I dived in, tearing bite after bite into it's spongy mass and as the final crumbs passed my lips and the now thankfully flat sprit cleared my gullet the stop watch was paused on a sensational (if I do say it my self) on 14 minutes, 9.4 seconds!!!
The rest as they say is history, the lap of the shop, the picture with my five empty cartons and the filthy clown himself, the cramps, the lard sweats and yes without being allowed to throw up they had to come out the other way....
But I did it, Winner!!!
And, on top of that it's been well over a year and I'm cured of the lure of the filthy clown and all his bed fellows.
