Friday, April 28, 2006
Wheelie
Not quite pc and a lot harder than it looks!
Get a chair, get on two wheels, come to HK and be a challenger in wheelchair wars
Get a chair, get on two wheels, come to HK and be a challenger in wheelchair wars
Thursday, April 27, 2006
truly worthless
I don't know why it is but my memory seems to be very selective, it only takes in useless facts and instantly forgets anything that will actually help me in life.
This is not a good thing.
But then maybe it is… because useless facts are actually far more usable than useful ones. If that sounds like Jonathan logic (my own special brand) I'll explain.
A useful fact is generally considered useful as it can be used for a specific situation but then, how often are you in that situation.... Useless facts are never going to help anyone and are therefore timeless and can be chucked in anywhere, got that?!?
So, useless useful fact number one (feel free to use this whenever you like)
Question, why do the British drive on the left?
Fact: So that when we pass other people our right arms are next to each others.
Why, because in days of old when we rode horses and carried jousting poles and swords we generally held them in our right hands, brilliant!
Admittedly there isn't a great deal of jousting being done any more but why change a good thing...
This is not a good thing.
But then maybe it is… because useless facts are actually far more usable than useful ones. If that sounds like Jonathan logic (my own special brand) I'll explain.
A useful fact is generally considered useful as it can be used for a specific situation but then, how often are you in that situation.... Useless facts are never going to help anyone and are therefore timeless and can be chucked in anywhere, got that?!?
So, useless useful fact number one (feel free to use this whenever you like)
Question, why do the British drive on the left?
Fact: So that when we pass other people our right arms are next to each others.
Why, because in days of old when we rode horses and carried jousting poles and swords we generally held them in our right hands, brilliant!
Admittedly there isn't a great deal of jousting being done any more but why change a good thing...
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
jump
No idea if this will work but have to try...
If you can see it it's me jumping at crystal cascade, Queensland Australia around July time 2004, Happy days!
If you can see it it's me jumping at crystal cascade, Queensland Australia around July time 2004, Happy days!
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
not a rant
Unfortunately my rants tend to come randomly and at pace so I can't really formulate them on paper, however there are many things I think are so good I have to rave about them...
and no, I'm not going to start this rave (which may or may not become a regular feature) with the great man himself, though the Hoff has been both Michael Knight and Mitch Bucannon, a legend of TV, film and music as well as virtually single handedly re-unifying Germany but no, I'm not starting with him, instead its all about the black stuff...
I talk of cause of stout, the most beautiful drink in the world.
In my ever humble opinion Samuel Smiths Dark Stout best drink available in the world, however outside the British Isles its as good as impossible to find, therefore I find myself cradling the next best thing. In a close second comes Guinness, a faithful companion that has traveled over half way around the world with me and a good way back again.
Stout, even the name is dependable and with the taste and texture of a mixture of soil and tar, the stuff if simply beautiful!
Please all be up standing and raise a glass with me, cheers!
and no, I'm not going to start this rave (which may or may not become a regular feature) with the great man himself, though the Hoff has been both Michael Knight and Mitch Bucannon, a legend of TV, film and music as well as virtually single handedly re-unifying Germany but no, I'm not starting with him, instead its all about the black stuff...
I talk of cause of stout, the most beautiful drink in the world.
In my ever humble opinion Samuel Smiths Dark Stout best drink available in the world, however outside the British Isles its as good as impossible to find, therefore I find myself cradling the next best thing. In a close second comes Guinness, a faithful companion that has traveled over half way around the world with me and a good way back again.
Stout, even the name is dependable and with the taste and texture of a mixture of soil and tar, the stuff if simply beautiful!
Please all be up standing and raise a glass with me, cheers!
Sunday, April 16, 2006
a few facts about the great man
they're all true...
1. David Hasselhoff is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
2. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures David Hasselhoff allows to live.
3. When David Hasselhoff drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.
4. When David Hasselhoff was born, the nurse said, "Holy Cow! That's David Hasselhoff!" Then she had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
5. When David Hasselhoff goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
6. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects David Hasselhoff could use to kill you, including the room itself.
7. The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from David Hasselhoff and forgot to pay him back.
8. David Hasselhoff can count backwards from infinity.
9. Crop circles are David's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f**k down.
10. When David Hasselhoff jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets David instead.
11. David Hasselhoff can divide by zero.
12. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by David Hasselhoff, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.
13. David Hasselhoff is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's sh*t.
14. David Hasselhoff has two speeds: walk and kill.
15. David Hasselhoff is the reason why Wally is hiding.
16. David Hasselhoff can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
17. You are what you eat. That is why David Hasselhoff diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.
18. David Hasselhoff once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.
19. David Hasselhoff played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
20. If you were to lock David Hasselhoff in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammys. When asked why he doesn't do this David replied "Because Grammys are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.
21. On his birthday, David Hasselhoff randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
22. When David Hasselhoff does a push-up, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
23. Whenever David Hasselhoff puts out a cigarette, he throws it in slow motion into a long line of gasoline and calmly walks away as an inferno erupts behind him.
24. David Hasselhoff invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink. But David Hasselhoff likes it to be known that using telekinesis, he made Tom Cruise mix red and white together, knowing fully well that the resulting colour would not be worthy of his creation. David Hasselhoff invented telekinesis.
25. David Hasselhoff coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.
26. David Hasselhoff haunts Freddy Krueger's nightmares.
27. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when David Hasselhoff punched himself in the face.
Love it!
1. David Hasselhoff is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
2. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures David Hasselhoff allows to live.
3. When David Hasselhoff drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.
4. When David Hasselhoff was born, the nurse said, "Holy Cow! That's David Hasselhoff!" Then she had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
5. When David Hasselhoff goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
6. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects David Hasselhoff could use to kill you, including the room itself.
7. The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from David Hasselhoff and forgot to pay him back.
8. David Hasselhoff can count backwards from infinity.
9. Crop circles are David's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f**k down.
10. When David Hasselhoff jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets David instead.
11. David Hasselhoff can divide by zero.
12. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by David Hasselhoff, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.
13. David Hasselhoff is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's sh*t.
14. David Hasselhoff has two speeds: walk and kill.
15. David Hasselhoff is the reason why Wally is hiding.
16. David Hasselhoff can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
17. You are what you eat. That is why David Hasselhoff diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.
18. David Hasselhoff once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.
19. David Hasselhoff played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
20. If you were to lock David Hasselhoff in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammys. When asked why he doesn't do this David replied "Because Grammys are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.
21. On his birthday, David Hasselhoff randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
22. When David Hasselhoff does a push-up, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
23. Whenever David Hasselhoff puts out a cigarette, he throws it in slow motion into a long line of gasoline and calmly walks away as an inferno erupts behind him.
24. David Hasselhoff invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink. But David Hasselhoff likes it to be known that using telekinesis, he made Tom Cruise mix red and white together, knowing fully well that the resulting colour would not be worthy of his creation. David Hasselhoff invented telekinesis.
25. David Hasselhoff coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.
26. David Hasselhoff haunts Freddy Krueger's nightmares.
27. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when David Hasselhoff punched himself in the face.
Love it!
Saturday, April 15, 2006
Champions!
Happy happy days, the Mighty Mighty England won the 2006 Hong Kong Rugby 7s with a quite brilliant display of rugby scoring in the last seconds of stoppage time, Winner!!!
Friday, April 14, 2006
The Mutt
Sonny, AKA the Mutt.
And it's (yes it is an it) only on the site because I'm a softy at heart and I know Dawn will like it!
Oh....
Quitting the Filthy Clown
Having travelled quite a bit and having eaten quite a lot of stuff not everyone would consider worth eating it may seem odd that there are a lot of places I just can't eat.
I have an excuse, it started on the east coast of Australia, I watched Supersize Me and walked out just craving grease, then heard about the 10 cheese burger challenge...... 10 of the things in one sitting, I felt compelled to try!
The only problem was that I was a traveller at the time and 10 burgers weren't cheap so I had to have a solution so...... in I stepped to one of Sydney's many fine MacDonald’s outlets some time in the early hours one Friday night/ Saturday morning and opened negotiations with Billy no stars behind the counter.
The conversation when...
Fat bartard - What discount can you give me on 20 cheese burgers please (there were two of us, I'm not that greedy!)
Billy no stars - That would be $39.00 (the full price)
FB - come on, surely you can do me a deal (present winning smile)
Billy - No
FB - Is there a manager or someone in authority here (yes, I was making myself popular)
Billy - No
FB - In that case who's going to stop you giving us a discount! (Surely an argument winner anywhere in the world)
Billy - $39.00
FB - D'oh! (present best homer look of dejection and defeat and exit with just 5 burgers each putting it down to training)
Now this could of been the end but for a stroke of fortune, you see, this fat bastard has an unstoppable drive to give to charity so although $19.50 for 10 burgers is rather beyond his backpacker budget when he reads on a banner outside Bondi's beautiful Macky D's that they will give a whole dollar to charity for every big mac munched it sounds like time to donate a fiver!
Now I know that 5 Big Macs isn't quite the same as 10 cheese burgers but .... The rules as far as I'd heard for the 10 cheese burger challenge was that you have just one hour to eat the burgers, with nothing but a regular fries and soft drink to clean the pallet and help get them down. There was obviously an out right ban on any tactical chundering at any point before during or after the allotted time.
Now I set myself the time of just 30 minutes (less bread you see) and didn't take up the offer of chips (sorry Fries) opting for just a beaker of sprit for company. With a friend on a stop watch I sat down for the scoff off of my young (and soon to be heart problem ridden) life.
Now I may sound big headed when I tell you the first one was virtually inhaled in a little over 90 seconds and I thought bring it on.. I certainly wasn't going to feel this good again in a while so give me my moment please.
The second of my friend Ronald's crowning burgers didn't go down quite so simply but I stand by the two minutes and 10 as being a good time for any mortal and the third before eight minutes showed on the clock made this look like Norris McWhirter should of been invited but then the mustard effect started to hit home.
I'll bet that few of you knew that there was mustard in a Big Mac or at least none that you'd taste beyond the general pappy tastelessness of the entire experience but take it from me, it burns like bile on number four but the challenge had been set and I'd now set my heart (possible bad choice of organs to be gambling with here) on 15 minutes and as the clock struck 12 minutes I washed down the last of number four.
Point to idiots that do try this at home, fizzy drinks make you burp, four big macs make you bloated, stopping peristalsis in reverse is no fun BUT STOP IT I DID and the fight went on.
Now officially I had 18 minutes for the last burger but as I said, that had long since been forgotten, victory now meant nothing less than a feeding frenzy on the last festering mess that now sat, cold, in front of me.
Ever the idiot I dived in, tearing bite after bite into it's spongy mass and as the final crumbs passed my lips and the now thankfully flat sprit cleared my gullet the stop watch was paused on a sensational (if I do say it my self) on 14 minutes, 9.4 seconds!!!
The rest as they say is history, the lap of the shop, the picture with my five empty cartons and the filthy clown himself, the cramps, the lard sweats and yes without being allowed to throw up they had to come out the other way....
I have an excuse, it started on the east coast of Australia, I watched Supersize Me and walked out just craving grease, then heard about the 10 cheese burger challenge...... 10 of the things in one sitting, I felt compelled to try!
The only problem was that I was a traveller at the time and 10 burgers weren't cheap so I had to have a solution so...... in I stepped to one of Sydney's many fine MacDonald’s outlets some time in the early hours one Friday night/ Saturday morning and opened negotiations with Billy no stars behind the counter.
The conversation when...
Fat bartard - What discount can you give me on 20 cheese burgers please (there were two of us, I'm not that greedy!)
Billy no stars - That would be $39.00 (the full price)
FB - come on, surely you can do me a deal (present winning smile)
Billy - No
FB - Is there a manager or someone in authority here (yes, I was making myself popular)
Billy - No
FB - In that case who's going to stop you giving us a discount! (Surely an argument winner anywhere in the world)
Billy - $39.00
FB - D'oh! (present best homer look of dejection and defeat and exit with just 5 burgers each putting it down to training)
Now this could of been the end but for a stroke of fortune, you see, this fat bastard has an unstoppable drive to give to charity so although $19.50 for 10 burgers is rather beyond his backpacker budget when he reads on a banner outside Bondi's beautiful Macky D's that they will give a whole dollar to charity for every big mac munched it sounds like time to donate a fiver!
Now I know that 5 Big Macs isn't quite the same as 10 cheese burgers but .... The rules as far as I'd heard for the 10 cheese burger challenge was that you have just one hour to eat the burgers, with nothing but a regular fries and soft drink to clean the pallet and help get them down. There was obviously an out right ban on any tactical chundering at any point before during or after the allotted time.
Now I set myself the time of just 30 minutes (less bread you see) and didn't take up the offer of chips (sorry Fries) opting for just a beaker of sprit for company. With a friend on a stop watch I sat down for the scoff off of my young (and soon to be heart problem ridden) life.
Now I may sound big headed when I tell you the first one was virtually inhaled in a little over 90 seconds and I thought bring it on.. I certainly wasn't going to feel this good again in a while so give me my moment please.
The second of my friend Ronald's crowning burgers didn't go down quite so simply but I stand by the two minutes and 10 as being a good time for any mortal and the third before eight minutes showed on the clock made this look like Norris McWhirter should of been invited but then the mustard effect started to hit home.
I'll bet that few of you knew that there was mustard in a Big Mac or at least none that you'd taste beyond the general pappy tastelessness of the entire experience but take it from me, it burns like bile on number four but the challenge had been set and I'd now set my heart (possible bad choice of organs to be gambling with here) on 15 minutes and as the clock struck 12 minutes I washed down the last of number four.
Point to idiots that do try this at home, fizzy drinks make you burp, four big macs make you bloated, stopping peristalsis in reverse is no fun BUT STOP IT I DID and the fight went on.
Now officially I had 18 minutes for the last burger but as I said, that had long since been forgotten, victory now meant nothing less than a feeding frenzy on the last festering mess that now sat, cold, in front of me.
Ever the idiot I dived in, tearing bite after bite into it's spongy mass and as the final crumbs passed my lips and the now thankfully flat sprit cleared my gullet the stop watch was paused on a sensational (if I do say it my self) on 14 minutes, 9.4 seconds!!!
The rest as they say is history, the lap of the shop, the picture with my five empty cartons and the filthy clown himself, the cramps, the lard sweats and yes without being allowed to throw up they had to come out the other way....
But I did it, Winner!!!
And, on top of that it's been well over a year and I'm cured of the lure of the filthy clown and all his bed fellows.
Thursday, April 13, 2006
The Hoff!
You have to love the Hoff,
even wrapped around me he looks good....
wheelchair wars
OK, people ask me what its all about so here it is, wheelchair Wars!
To compete you must have a wheelchair and a disregard for all things politically correct...
Happy? good then read on.
The aim is to knock the other person (or persons) either onto all four wheels or (and this is my favoured method) over backwards!
Happy days.
To compete you must have a wheelchair and a disregard for all things politically correct...
Happy? good then read on.
The aim is to knock the other person (or persons) either onto all four wheels or (and this is my favoured method) over backwards!
Happy days.
tagged
I've been tagged apparently, that means I've got to post six things that are weird about me, so here I go!
1) I'm incredibly anal, some people may question this but its true and this blog proves it, I have two other blogs but I couldn't post this on either as that's not what they are for... see, so anal its embarasing!
2) Competitive, me, no.... its just the rest of the world doesn't try hard enough! I only semi jokingly use the phrase "I'm not a good loser, I've not had much practice!"
3) Maybe this isn't that odd but.... I have no idea where I am, where I'm going or how I got here.
I just seem to blink and I'm selling death or living in China or I don't know, not where I'd expect to be... that said I don't even know where or what "where I'd expect to be" is.
4) I steel friends. Wherever I go I just nick other peoples mate, I mean they can still see them but they have to share.
5) I have a wheelchair even though I'm entirely not disabled (physically at least). I talked my flatmate into going halves on a couple of them and we compete in wheelchair wars!
6) I'm often considered the most juvenile person in the world and commonly accused of suffering from Peter Pan syndrome but I've been a godfather for about 13 years (since I was 16), I proved my worthiness for the role by giving a bottle of port for the christening present (well it has to age until he's 21 and maybe this one's a weird thing about my friends not me!)
And that's my 6, I've no idea who I'm going to tag in return but will do so just as soon as I find another 6 people!!!!
Ciao for now.
JP
1) I'm incredibly anal, some people may question this but its true and this blog proves it, I have two other blogs but I couldn't post this on either as that's not what they are for... see, so anal its embarasing!
2) Competitive, me, no.... its just the rest of the world doesn't try hard enough! I only semi jokingly use the phrase "I'm not a good loser, I've not had much practice!"
3) Maybe this isn't that odd but.... I have no idea where I am, where I'm going or how I got here.
I just seem to blink and I'm selling death or living in China or I don't know, not where I'd expect to be... that said I don't even know where or what "where I'd expect to be" is.
4) I steel friends. Wherever I go I just nick other peoples mate, I mean they can still see them but they have to share.
5) I have a wheelchair even though I'm entirely not disabled (physically at least). I talked my flatmate into going halves on a couple of them and we compete in wheelchair wars!
6) I'm often considered the most juvenile person in the world and commonly accused of suffering from Peter Pan syndrome but I've been a godfather for about 13 years (since I was 16), I proved my worthiness for the role by giving a bottle of port for the christening present (well it has to age until he's 21 and maybe this one's a weird thing about my friends not me!)
And that's my 6, I've no idea who I'm going to tag in return but will do so just as soon as I find another 6 people!!!!
Ciao for now.
JP
